Friday, February 13, 2009

Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

Some time ago, I realized that we would have a serious situation on our hands if something happened to me while T was away at work. There are several days a week that he is gone from 8:30 or so in the morning until around 9:30 at night. If something truly horrible were to happen, such as if I have a heart attack after NBC announces it is bringing back the entire cast of Friends in a revival of one of the greatest television shows of all time, I could lay there for hours while Natalie feeds Michaela Byrd pilfered M&Ms out of the hidden candy stash, which she would clearly have time to find.

So one day last winter, I sat Natalie down for a talk in a rare moment when she was not glued to the television in semi-conscious state watching Elmo (I pumped for 7 months...the kid watched a lot of television, poor thing).

"Nollie, what would you do if Mama got hurt?" I asked her.

"I dunno," she replied, glancing askew at the TV across the room.

We ran over a list of neighbors she could run to: The Rockys next door, Mr. Roger behind us, The R family across the street...heck, even the trashy family next door with six ferrets and five dogs would do.

"Now, after you run really fast to their door, what would you say?" I quizzed her.

"Help! Mommy is sick and she can't get up!"

Eh, that'll do.

I think she has been waiting for her moment to shine and save us all.

This afternoon I was coming down the stairs holding Michaela Byrd. We'd been upstairs trying to find a distraction from the teething. She needed distraction from the pain, and I needed a distraction from the screaming directed at my left ear for the past two days. I was a little over halfway down when my shoe caught the edge of the stairs and we tumbled. Luckily, I had a good hold on the baby, and my other hand sort of slowed the fall, but I landed square on the bony part of my knees. Ow! I managed to not shout an obscenity, despite the fact that all 62875486e34 pounds of me nailed the linoleum by the front door.

As I lay there crying with Michaela Byrd, who was also crying, I heard the toilet flush and bare feet running through the Kitchen.

"Can I ask 'Woger' for help?" asked Natalie hopefully, peering around the corner.

Her pants were down around her ankles. In her obvious thrill at finally getting to practice being my a super-hero, she had neglected to tend to her clothes. I'm pretty sure Wonder Woman would have remembered her pants, or leotard, or whatever it was that she wore.

"No, thanks." I said, surveying the damage. I have a lump on my arm where it scraped the banister.

I should've sent her anyways with this message: This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. If this were an actual emergency, I would be covered in peanut butter swiped from the cabinet I can reach when I climb on Daddy's chair. When you do receive an alert, please assume that my sister has scaled some sort of dangerously high furniture piece, and enter our home right away. Only please pretend like you don't see the folded laundry piled on the couch. I'm sure Mommy would want it that way.


  1. Oh, girl, this needs to be published in Parents magazine or something. It is hilarious! You worded it such a way, I could just imagine it all happening! How funny. Good to know you're in good hands of Super Girl!


  2. Your wit never ceases to amaze me!! I am sorry that you got hurt, I have fallen down (and up *blush*) our stairs many times. It kills!

    You need to be published! :)

  3. ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! what a story.

    ohhh :") i'm sorry....are you ok? ;)

  4. oh, girl, you make me laugh :0)

  5. So glad you are training your little one in case of a real emergency. Hope she NEVER has to use her Wonder Woman powers.

  6. You're such a good mommy to prep your little one in the event of an emergency. My mind often wanders back to Steel Magnolias and then I worry about which boy will kill the other one first while I lay helpless on the floor.


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